Circle of Pain

by Jb

So just how long does it take to suck out the brain of an eleven year old girl?

It was probably already done by now, the ovary-yam or whatever-the-hell-euphemism was used for the crime of deliberately destroying the very essence of a beautiful child.

Jack groaned. Sleep was an impossibility, eating was out of the question, work was even more ridiculous to contemplate. But he'd had about all he could take of simply hiding out. He was still pretty raw around the edges and more likely to metaphorically spit at the first person he saw as to greet them in anything even approaching a civil manner, but he was annoyed at being both bored stiff and unable to rid himself of the impossible amount of anger. It was time to show his face to the world and if anyone didn't like the looks of it, well, screw 'em.

The metal door to his temp quarters clanged harshly behind him in answer to the extra yank he gave the knob in closing it. The sound echoed in the empty corridor. What the hell time was it, anyway? Oh, wonderful. One in the morning. Great. Pay much attention to detail, do you, Jack-boy? Now he'd have a chance to be bored silly and wildly pissed-off-mad out in the wide-open winding emptiness of the night shift corridors instead of in the little closed-up box he'd just vacated. For a second he considered going back and trying to get some sleep, but just for a second. That blink of an eye tick of the second hand was all it took for him to know that all he'd see when he closed his eyes was her face, the face of a little girl who was no more, and that there'd be no real sleep for several nights to come. It was too fresh yet.

Children. Why did it have to be the children who suffered from the folly of adults? Look at his own child, taken far too soon because of his own father's stupidity. And Cassie, look what Cassie had been through. Damn. Not too sure just what he ought to do, where he ought to go, Jack let his feet travel where they may. He had a few choices, but none of them seemed in the least bit interesting. Going back to the little box was out. If he'd wanted to stay there any longer he'd of… stayed there. He could go home. Back to the house. To the empty house, on an empty street full of other empty houses full of families and moms and dads and their children… No. He couldn't go back to the house. He might just trash it in anger, and then he'd have to clean it up later.

His legs took him to the elevator, and his finger punched the button for whatever level. His eyes didn't look, his mind didn't care. His heart swallowed him up whole.

The door slid open and automatically he swung to the left as he exited the elevator. Left, then left again, then follow the corridor around and take the next door, the next connector, on the left. Circles. Around in circles. The entire base was a big circle, the corridors went in circles, the staircases were spiral circles, the Stargate was a honking big metal circle which took them to great floating circular balls suspended in the heavens. To places where innocent children had their brains sucked out with glee by misguided morons who had the unmitigated gall to call themselves civilized.

To call themselves parents.

The pressure in his chest was almost unbearable. How could any parent even consider doing something like that to their own child? Hell, to any child? Down the short connector, through the door, turn right. Start another circle. Well, shit, he'd done it to his own child, hadn't he? Snuffed the kid out, poof, just like that? Around, follow the corridor. In a circle. In a circle from Charlie to Marin and back again. Around and around, one foot in front of the other, start here, go there, and then mindlessly come back around the bend, going full circle to –

– a full stop.

Daniel?

Yeah, it was Daniel. Leaning against the wall of the corridor just up ahead. His back was turned, but it was unmistakably Daniel. Standing out in the corridor at one in the morning, just leaning there, not moving, no one else in sight… In his way. The geek was in his way. How could he come full circle if Daniel was standing in the way?

But that was just par for the course, wasn't it?  It was Daniel who'd gotten in his way that very first time out, when he'd had the chance to deliver what he'd thought was the necessary payback on behalf of Charlie. Okay, well, actually it was Ra who really got in… no, actually, it was Anubis. Wait. No. He was right the first time. Long before all else – that being Ra and Anubis – being settled, it was Daniel who had turned him all around and inside out. And it was the same Daniel who had come back from the planet-of-death-for-kids saying that she ought to be sent back. That Daniel had been right that first time out so long ago meant nothing right now. He was wrong this time out, and a beautiful girl was turned over to… to…

He barely stifled the exclamation of rage. Instead of coming out as a loud bellow of anger, it came forth as a low growl. Low, but loud enough and evidently recognizable as coming from him, because Daniel's slumped shoulders straightened suddenly, like he'd been shot in the back. He didn't turn around, just tipped his head and said it.

"Jack."

His name. That's all it was, just a quiet utterance in a soft voice, barely audible. Under the circumstances, it was far too much of an intrusion to be tolerable.

"Screw off, Daniel."

It's your fault. Your fault. You caved in, buddy-boy. You sealed her fate with your cultural-prerogatives-respect-crap.

Daniel turned slowly, gliding his shoulder along the wall, rotating his body and sliding his back against the wall until he could pivot on the other shoulder. Then they were face to face. Make that, belligerent face to… Jack felt a strange tug in his chest as he recognized the look on Daniel's face. Bitterness. And a pain equal to his own. The tug went away quickly though, replaced with a resurgence of anger at the unfairness of it all and at Daniel's part in supporting her return home.

Daniel beat him to it, though. The accusation was pre-empted by the words which came from Daniel's mouth in what amounted to a dead whisper. "You think I don't care about those children, Jack? It's simple for you. Black and white. Things are either right or they're wrong. One point of view, no sharing, no doubting, no roadblocks. You're lucky that way."

Daniel straightened up and pulled away from the wall. He started a slow approach. "You know, Jack, I really do understand how you feel. But, you know what else?" He was right there now, just passing by. "You can be a real shit of a friend, Jack."

Jack's anger overflowed and he grabbed Daniel's arm, spinning him roughly around and slamming him back up against the wall. "No friend of mine, Daniel. You convinced Hammond to send her back. You condemned her."

Daniel simply stared at him. He desperately wanted to punch that stare right into tomorrow. Instead, he let him go. "Like I said, Daniel. Screw off. I don't think I want much to do with you right now."

"I saw those kids, what was done to them. You didn't. You're lucky. You don't have that image in your head. I didn't decide what I did lightly…"

"You pushed the pendulum Daniel. You had no right!"

The response was quiet, measured. "No. Maybe not. Maybe I made a mistake; maybe I needed to stay impartial. But none of us, not me, not you, none of us really understand that culture. We have no right imposing our values on another society, especially when we don't understand the impact it will have."

No. That wasn't good enough, Dr. know-it-all. These are children.  Jack couldn't contain himself. He reached out and shoved at Daniel, grabbing him by the collar and pressing him into the wall once again. "You're full of shit, Daniel. What the hell do you know about it."

Her face swam into view again, then it was replaced by Charlie's. Then it was Daniel's face again. Swamped by the rush of conflicting emotion evoked by each vision in it's own turn, Jack let the powerful feelings express themselves through action. His grip on the collar tightened and he thrust his face into Daniel's. He positively spat the hurtful words out. "You don't know squat. You've never had a child; your wife is a godamned Goa'uld, you're not likely to ever have a child…"

The sudden trickle of blood which ran down Daniel's chin brought Jack back from the edge. What was that? Daniel was bleeding. God, what was he doing? What… how… he hadn't jerked him around much… he hadn't touched him there, had he?  But, he must have, somehow.  He was pissed beyond belief with the kid, yeah, but God… he'd never knowingly…

He pulled his head back some to get a better look at Daniel; it was hard to get the whole picture when his face was shoved right up the guy's nostrils and the smoke from the fire he was breathing obscured his own vision. Then he could see it. It was in the stunned blue eyes, the lines around the open mouth, on the bloody front teeth and in the gruesome-looking gaping laceration on Daniel's lip. He could see what he'd done. There was more than just metaphorical bite to the spiteful words he'd spoken. Deservedly, he felt the beginnings of a regret bigger than that which any image of the child could ever evoke.

"Like I said, Jack, you're lucky. You get to direct your anger at someone else.  You get to be able to live with yourself."  Daniel swiped at his chin with one hand and at his eyes with the other. "Let go of me, Jack."

He did. He let go, and without a backward glance Daniel took his bit lip and his hurt-filled eyes and grimly set jaw off down the hall and around the bend.

Jack slumped against the wall. Damn. His head spun. Around and around. It always amounted to that, didn't it? No matter what, someone was destined to go around and around. Start at go with this pain here, turn left and follow the bend, around the circle, to that pain there. What the hell. He shoved at the wall in frustration and propelled himself down the corridor. If he hurried, he might just catch Daniel around the next bend…

And if not, well, hell, the place was a circle. He only needed to keep putting one foot in front of the other. He'd meet up with him eventually.

Feel free to contact the author...

Return Home

Within the context and limitations of the site Disclaimer, Any and All original characters, situations, story line, dialogue and narrative © January 1, 2000, the author